Meet the Spartans review

What...the...hell...did...I...just...watch?

Meet the Spartans...wow, what can I even say? How do I begin? With the...plot?

Ok, here's the plot: attempt to spoof 300 and add a whole bunch of other meaningless shit in there as well.

We follow Leonidas and his band of 13 spartans as they fight against Persia. Let's get down to brass tax here- this movie blows. This movie sucks massive donkey dick. This movie is the pure essence of filth. It is the bane of humankind and should be banned from all theaters.

Ok, I get stupid comedies. I get spoofs. In fact, I love Spoofs! I even liked Scary Movie 3 and Kung Pow. But what those movies did was make actual witty jokes and comments. This movie(along with it's second cousin Epic Movie) just use the exact same plot as the movie it spoofs and adds heaps of gay jokes, MTV references, product placements, lame slapstick sight gags, and gross excrement jokes. It's got a disfigured Paris Hilton. It's got references to YouTube, American Idol, Americas Next Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance, Deal or No Deal, Ugly Betty, Shrek, Spider Man, Ghost Rider, Rocky Balboa, Happy Feet, Stomp the Yard, Borat, and Hills Have Eyes. Why? Don't ask me.

Seriously, why the fuck make it so damn recent? You know what, the subtlety here just amazes me. They name the traitor Traitoro. They name the son of a character Sonnio. They blatantly spell out every single reference like the audience is fucking autistic! The narrator literally says "that fat guy from Borat" and "Tobey Maguire from Spider Man 3." They actually make SURE you know that the dancing penguin is Happy Feet. They make SURE that you know the guy with the flaming skull is Ghost Rider.

As if that wasn't enough, we get full on Nike, Dentyne Ice, Budweiser, and Gatoraide commercials.

The sheer audacity of the amounts of slaptick and gay jokes appalls me. How many times do we need to hear words like "rear" and "sword" in double-entendre format? How many times do we need to see people fall, slip, and crash on random objects?

The movie has two particularly shitty sequences- the Death Pit and the Dance Off. They both make up about a fourth of the movie and do nothing other than bore you. There are a whole bunch of very, very badly impersonated celebrities. As I listened, I heard not a peep of laughter in the theater.

The only thing this movie does well is give Kevin Sorbo and the entire Mad TV cast extra work. They couldn't even get more than a couple dozen extras- they have a running gag about blue screens. It's only 67 minutes long INCLUDING a four minute perforance of "I Will Survive" as the credits roll. How the fuck does this pass a cinema? HOW?!?!

This says something about society. If this movie beats out the entertainingly brutal Rambo for the top spot at the box office, then the world of Mike Judge's "Idiocracy"(a fantastic movie, by the way) is not far off. I applaud Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg- they know how to make money, and for that I can only say

Fuck you Mr Seltzer and Mr. Friedberg, and fuck society as a whole.

0/100