Jumper review

Teleportation would be an aweomse power to have no doubt. I can imagine myself teleporting into girl's dorms, the "employees only" section of any random store, and maybe even use my powers to become a superhero. Yeah, that sounds good!

Jumper is the latest sci-fi/actioner from big budget Hollywood. It features the AWESOME talents of Hayden Christiansen and Jamie Bell(as well as small parts for Sam Jackson and Diane Lane). It's got a screenplay by David S. Goyer(who people will remember for giving us Blade Trinity and The Invisible...or not). It's got a shaky camera! It's got...

OK, if you can't tell I'm being facetious, then please don't ever watch another movie again- you'll only feed the vast crap-churning machine of the mainstream.

This movie is about people who teleport starting at age 5, something the movie never seems to explain. These people are called "Jumpers", because "Teleporters" is just too damn long(I remember in the trailer where the title was abbreviated even further to "JMPR"). There is a secret organization of people called "Paladins", who seek to destroy the Jumpers for no reason aside from "they were not meant to have this power". Well, according to the film, they've been around for hundreds of years and were behind the Holy Wars as well as the Salem witch hunts. Yes, anything religion attacks is apparently related to Jumpers.

Wow. I could NOT make this up. I wouldn't even fathom of making up something so unbelivably...unbelievable! And that is just the top of the creaky, rusty barrel that Jumper is.

In terms of plot and character development, this movie works out like a 14-year-old's X-Men fanfiction. It has absolutely no cohesion and all the characters are just stock for a couple mildly amusing fight scenes.

OK, to give you an idea of what I mean, here are some examples. A 15-year-old boy is somehow able to run away from home, get a hotel room, rob a bank, and not be detected for 8 years. Characters "jump" all over the place and nobody seems to pay one second's notice other than one little boy(who obviously nobody will believe since he's just a kid). After the aformentioned 8 years, the now-grown boy(Hayden Christiansen) returns to woo his high-school scrush. He takes her to Rome(where she's always wanted to go), and apparently this was enough for him to just walk up to her in the hotel room and start ripping off her clothes. OK...I'll make a note that if I ever see my high-school crush in a few more years, that I'll just take her some place and start ripping her clothes off. Let's see what happens.

The film insults your intelligence by coming not taking the time to explain much of anything. We don't get any backstory other than a short "So this is my life up til now" speech at the beginning. The movie attempts this grand scale and tries to create mythos, but it fails at every attempt. I don't know WHY for the life of me they decided to make our hero's mother(Diane Lane, who has about 47 seconds of screen time), who left him at the age of 5, suddenly appear and reveal herslef as a Paladin. We don't know any of the backstory of the British jumper who has a grudge against the great villain Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson, other than a very passing reference that his parents were killed by said villain.

nobody has encentive, nobody says much of anything, and nothing really happens. The film doesn't even have a resolution- it's still the same cat-and-mouse game at the end. This begs the question- what was the purpose of this movie other than reunite the hero with his girl?

OK, I get that this movie isn't supposed to be realistic, but at least make an attempt! X-Men was able to do it for two films, Batman was able to do it in three films, and Spider-Man was able to do it at times in all three films. Why couldn't the abhorrent direction and hideous script been reworked? Why couldn't we have gotten actors instead of 2x4s to play the roles. Hayden Christiansen's "acting" is like a clawed hammer being scraped against my skull.

The camera is shaky, and there are some of the WORST character composites I've EVER seen. There are two pretty entertaining action scenes, but out of 90 minutes you'd think more than two scenes would crop up. The special effects are good, but often times I had to rub my eyes and shake my head due to the pain the convulsion-inducing cinematography inflicted on my eyes.

Bad. Just outright bad. Don't see it, ever.

19/100